Nightlife Won’t Save You: Sex, Drama, and the Trans Party Scene

If you’ve been involved in trans nightlife as long as I have, you’ve undoubtedly seen the rise and fall of several “community spaces” and event organizers, all claiming to be different, to be safer, more sustainable. I want to analyze why so many of them fall into patterns of disarray and discord (no pun intended). In this piece, we will discuss how material conditions create an unsafe queer community, and how the ravages of objectification, capitalism, and hypersexuality contribute to our communities consuming themselves and falling apart. 

Let’s start with the basics. Trans people, just like many other people on Earth, are lonely and alienated by capitalism. However, we have the added bonus of homophobic and transphobic discrimination, hypersexualization, and, in turn, a unique type of internalized self hatred. Many of us are exploited and often forced into sexwork to survive. Johns, and society as a whole, often view trans people as disposable sex objects to be used and discarded. Sadly, though, our own nightlife culture can often view us the same way.

I love sexworkers, and sexwork is a valid form of work, but it is still exploitative. Many of us who do it must lie to ourselves to maintain some semblance of sanity while being victimized by capitalism and gross men in some of the most insidious ways possible. Yes, all profit is exploitation, and all work under capitalism is inherently exploitative, but sexwork takes it a step beyond, and leaves scars, often on both the body and mind. For those who engage with sexwork as a hobby or are not forced into that life, sure, it can feel fun or even “empowering.” But for those of us who have no safety net, no other options, no other method of survival? It is often a difficult, degrading experience that leaves us feeling trapped and broken. I am a former sexworker, and I guarantee it is not empowering for the majority of those involved.

Unfortunately, trans people’s frequent experiences of sexual objectification only reinforce the narrative that society has placed in our heads. The narrative that we are unlovable, damaged, and undeserving of joy. It is a constant struggle to not buy into this messaging of being a disposable sex object. And tragically, when we, as trans people, objectify ourselves, it is very likely that we objectify others, especially in our community, through this same fetishistic lens. 

Due to the pressures of fetishization and exploitation, we as trans people might view ourselves, and others, as sex objects to be used and abandoned. This means that in many trans nightlife environments, people looking for community often form surface-level connections and endure sexual exploitation. We find ourselves surrounded by people who glorify hypersexuality. For some this is a freeing act, but for many, it is another path towards shame, misery, and isolation. Many tout “Sex Positivity” as a way to rationalize the hypersexual and addictive tendencies in our community, while refusing to confront the harm this causes.

The “Sex Positive” Movement is a liberal sedative to our true problems. “Sex Positivity,” may have had positive intentions and may have originally been a very valuable movement. But in the modern world, Sex Positivity has been co-opted by Neoliberalism and predators. Modern “Sex Positivity” (MSP) posits that sex doesn’t matter, and it's a good thing to have sex with whoever you want. This language is often used by predators and bad actors to rationalize their exploitation and abuse of newcomers and vulnerable people in our scene. MSP often downplays the emotional connections we experience and props up the physical ones, so that people can exploit our bodies without having to engage emotionally, and they get to do it in a “badass, progressive, rebellious” way. When what they’re really championing is just frat bro ideology in rainbow pup flag packaging. 

Chants of “It’s just sex,” “It’s not a big deal,” and “It didn’t mean anything,” are thrown around as often in the fraternity house as they are in the trans Discord servers. This approach of MSP asks us to take on the male perspective of sex as a physical exchange. Often the sentiment is that, “If I provide X, you let me have sex with you.” X can be money, sex acts, substances, whatever, but the main point is that we reduce sexuality down to just a physical act. For many, this is basically just masturbating with another person in the room. Yes, you’ll be touching or doing whatever sex acts to each other, maybe even penetration, but at the end of the day, neither person is connecting with the other. The bodies touch but the hearts are distant. For those who want to reduce sex to just a masturbatory exchange of goods and services, Great! We just need to be honest with ourselves about what we’re doing. But personally, I think we deserve more. Sex can be an expression of connection and intimacy and joy, and reducing it so low makes it so that we, in turn, reduce our own value down to just a fleshlight with a pulse and a price tag. We are so much more! Sex is so much more!

True “Sex Positivity” would state that sex is a divine, beautiful thing, and it should be cherished and valued as the most intimate act that you can do with another person. Now this does not mean that we should embrace puritanical values of “saving yourself for marriage” or that we should slut shame those of us struggling with sex and love addictions. It *does* mean, however, that we need to set some fucking standards for ourselves. Stop letting ourselves be used by people who pretend to be our friends so they can use our bodies. We need to stop lying to ourselves and others that “it’s just sex,” that “it didn’t mean anything.” This is patently false. Every friendship, relationship, and bond, it all matters. Sharing your body and exploring intimacy with another person is a magical, incredible act that should be valued accordingly. Having a lot of sex is not an inherently bad thing, but we have to be honest about our intentions and how this obsession with sex harms us, not just as individuals, but as a community. 

Personally, I have been involved on and off for a number of years in a number of different nightlife scenes and continue to see the same cycles play out. People begin to organize events. Those events grow. Hypersexuality, Addiction, Emblezzlement, Drama. Fractures form and groups break off, fight on-and-offline, etc. The group explodes or deteriorates. Someone decides to pick up the torch and the cycle begins again. 

So what do we do? Give up? Never go to a party again? No! We are allowed to have fun and go out. Substances and sex are not inherently or “morally” bad. I have met so many amazing people and had so many incredible, life-changing experiences through nightlife and club culture. But! We cannot rely on nightlife to be a solution to all of our problems. Building community through non-Nightlife events and spaces is how we gather and organize in a sustainable way and form those deep connections that hold communities together. Stop fucking your friends, and get together and crochet, or skateboard, watch movies, hike, make music. I don’t care what it is, but if your only “third space” is the club, and the only activity you do with other queers is drugs and sex, your only community will be other people engaging in the same destructive behavior as you, and our community will continue to devour itself. We deserve better. 

So yes, go to the club Saturday night, but go to your friend's knitting circle on Sunday morning, too. And if there isn’t one? Make it. 

With Love, 

Anonymous